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The Phenomenon That Is Boulder
Dear Boulder,
Honestly, how do you people live here and stay sane? I assume all you Boulderites do not realize that we are now in the sphere of the twenty-first century. In all likelihood, there certainly cannot be a more inferior place to exist than in Boulder Colorado. Everyday I look around and feel that much more sorry for myself. How distasteful can one place be? I have lived here for almost a month now and have noticed an astonishingly immense amount of rundown people, foolish laws, and idiotic ideas. Well, luckily for all you Boulderites I am here to enlighten you. Hopefully I can get the dirt out of your ears and reveal the fact that if a normal (and I emphasize normal) community came through Boulder, they would roll through with their eyes clenched shut and noses squeezed tight. Obviously most Boulder citizens are being blinded by stupidity.
Now I bet you are all wondering, “Who the hell is this guy?” “Who does he think he is?” Well I will tell you, but do not get too excited because I am not going to tell you much. I am a twenty-year-old male from Dallas Texas, but unfortunately I now reside within the borders of Boulder Colorado. I know you want more info on my overwhelming self, but any more would be detrimental to my existence here in this make shift port-a-potty you call home. On a side note, I am not embarrassed of myself in any which way, seriously. To tell you the truth, I probably live better than almost every person who reads this. Now, back to The Phenomenon That Is Boulder.
I suppose we can start with the people of Boulder Colorado, or as you have for some reason come to call yourselves Boulderites. Lets break down Boulderite with dictionary definitions:
Boulder - A
large rounded mass of rock lying on the surface of the ground or
embedded in the soil.
Ite - A suffix denoting one of a party, a sympathizer with or adherent to, and frequently used in ridicule.
I believe these definitions speak for themselves, but I imagine there has to be someone reading that requires it be broken down even further. So for all you Boulderites, here you go:
A large rounded mass – what more can I say, the people here are definitely large and rounded, especially the ladies. Honestly, I have never seen so many chubby girls in one place. Did you ladies not know that thin is still in?
I apologize in advance for the break down of Ite . I wish it could have been more disadvantageous to all of you. The beginning of the definition is slow but it is that last phrase that does it.
Frequently used in ridicule – Do I even have to try? Not only did you all name yourselves after a large rounded mass of rock lying on the surface of the ground or embedded in the soil, but to top it off you tacked on Ite , which is frequently used in ridicule. What more can I say?
Boulderites huh? Fine with me, but I sure as hell am not one. Speaking of Boulderites, why do all of you have the absolute worst sense of fashion that I have ever stumbled upon? “Let’s never buy anything that looks remotely good looking!” If that’s not what you people are thinking whenever you HAVE to change what you call clothes, then I just don’t get it. For the ladies, hiking boots do not look good with skirts or dress clothes. I know, I’m sorry, but you have to stop the grunge thing. I sense you ladies might be surprised by the cause-effect of at least simply attempting to portray yourselves as presentable and sophisticated women. For the guys, I believe that good luck pretty much sums it up. But for the sake of being called a sexist by the Boulderite broads that I discussed above, I have to give you your share. Cut your hair, shave your face, bathe, and start all over. Seriously guys, can you actually not care? The idea of the guys here in Boulder truly caring that little is inconceivable to me. Instead of caring that little, why don’t you guys try a little? Here’s the trick. Every time you wake up, take a shower, then brush your teeth, shave if necessary. Once finished, put on clean clothes (I emphasize clean) that match, fit, and look good on you. Trust me guys, it is not as hard as you may have undoubtedly heard. I do at least all of those ridiculously simple tasks every morning. Usually I will even wash my hair. Don’t be shocked; people wash their hair everyday in every other part of the country. Guys, I am seriously thinking that you might be able to see a cause-effect here too, but only if you decide to rebel against The Phenomenon That Is Boulder. Anyways, moving on…
I think everyone would agree that driving in Boulder is absolutely terrible. I cannot tolerate the imprudent driving that I have witnessed on a day to day basis. I could probably write another paper just about the driving conditions here in Boulder. I’ve either got two lanes or one lane. Not to mention that the speed limit is twenty-five miles per hour in most parts of this utopia. It is almost a blessing when I see a speed limit sign that says thirty-five. Do I really have to go as slow as possible? Now let’s get to the roads. Wow, I cannot fathom the roads here being any worse. Honestly, I do not think I have ever driven on roads with so many holes and bumps. It makes me wonder where exactly all the tax money is going here in Boulder Colorado. Stop Lights, I am not sure why, but I hate the stoplights here. They never seem to fail in pissing me off. Also, what Einstein came up with the idea to put a No-U-Turn sign at every single intersection? On top of that, all of the next few intersections in each direction have those damn No-U-Turn signs too. Better hope you don’t miss your turn or you have got to fight your way back. How about those No-Right-On-Reds? I’m sure a few of you Boulderites have gotten your DUI’s or DWI’s from those bad boys. It seems to me that those signs are not there to protect us, but instead to give the cops a reason to pull people over. Parking spots have to be mentioned. I know a Boulderite had to have designed the standard Boulder parking spot. I practically have to wedge my SUV into a spot, if I can find one. I’ve lost count on how many door dings I have. Pedestrians, get a car. If you can’t afford one, then get your ass on the bus and stop walking around everywhere. In the time it takes me to look over and just simply change the song I am listening to, some idiotic Boulderite is inching across the street in front of me, at least hustle your fat Boulderite ass. On top of all these completely necessary laws, I have discovered a law that just blows my mind. This so called law pertains to all of us smokers. I have noticed that probably two-thirds of the people here in this paradise smoke at least something. So why is it that no one is allowed to smoke indoors? Instead of such an outrageous law, why don’t we let people choose whether or not they want to go to establishments that promote a fun and unhealthy atmosphere? As a smoker, I dream of the freedoms I once held in this great country, but now, Boulder thinks they can take away my freedoms. Well, I for one will stand for it no longer…
Now let’s get to the idiotic ideas that pollute my mind, not surprisingly, that I hear from standard Boulderites. For instance, I read about a protest over at CU that got just unreasonably out of control. These protestors where objecting about going to war with Iraq. Are you kidding me? Of course we need to go to war with Iraq. I guarantee that if Sadamm nuked some of their home cities they would not be out protesting a war. Well, for all you dim-witted Boulderites, the reason we are going to war is to make sure Sadamm cannot hurt us or any of our loved ones. In case you have missed the last decade, Sadamm has been lying to us since the beginning of his reign over Iraq. On top of the protest/riot, I heard a Boulderite, who takes the cake, say something about as brainless as you can get. This girl asked why the whole war was going to be fought in Iraq. To extend her stupidity, she continued with stating the fact that it was not really fair that only Iraqi civilians would die in this war. Wait there’s more; this girl furthermore added that to make it fair, some of the war should be fought on American soil. Hey girl, how about no! Did you ever wonder why no one attacks the U.S.? That’s where those income taxes come into play. We pay the government to keep us safe. Girl, try to not be such a thickheaded senseless fool. Speaking of annoying Boulderites, if I have to hear about how awesome the powder was again, I don’t know what I am going to do.
What you are about to read falls under idiotic ideas made by foolhardy Boulderites. The other day I was skimming through the January 30th issue of Boulder Weekly, and not to my surprise, I stumbled upon a story regarding beggars on the streets. Now I know that beggars make us uncomfortable and looking at them always makes you feel that little something deep down, but the article I read was unbelievable. This guy, who wrote part of the article had a resourceful idea, or so he thought. This genius wrote, and I quote, “I’d propose an annual begging license whereby the licensee has to meet a certain criteria to beg. Even go so far as provide a begging area or zone where they can legally congregate and practice their trade while we’ll know where to go to give them our money. Make it legitimate.”(re: “Beggars bug me” Boulder Weekly Jan. 30) Ok, here we go. First of all, what beggar is going to go stand in line at some municipal building to get a license to beg? These people have nothing, and I am pretty sure they don’t give two shits about having a license to beg. What exactly would the criteria be in which they need to meet? They don’t have anything. If, and I do mean if, this absurdity was actually passed by Boulder, then would the licensed beggars need to start filing taxes? If they are legally making money, then taxes must be filed or that is considered tax evasion. Exactly, it’s a preposterous notion that could never happen. To top it off, this guy insists that we should set up an area for these people to beg in. Why don’t we just fence them in while were at it and post a couple of guards at the entrance, Hitler. Your idea sounds more like a concentration camp to me. I’ve got a theory, why don’t we make certain criteria for Boulderites to meet? On second thought, I suggest we just round up all the Boulderites and put them into this “special zone.” Honestly, how could a human being be so unintelligent?
In defense of myself, this paper is not intended to piss people off, although I am sure it will. This papers’ only intent is to point out The Phenomena That Is Boulder. How much more undesirable can Boulder Colorado get? Maybe Boulderites are not blinded out of stupidity, maybe they have just been shadowed from the world that is. In either case, Boulder exists between the lines. You know, all Boulder really needs is the city to fix its’ streets, fix the laws, and all of the Boulderites to get the hell out. If we can get rid of every single Boulderite, this city might just be salvageable…
Yours Truly,
Feel free to send me any comments or suggestions; this is a legitimate e-mail address…
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